It hangs over my mantle and if I actually have a fireplace one day
I'm sure it will hang over that. It is the focal point of the living
room and my life. It always reminds me of memories, the past, the
future and my course. This flag is much more than stars and stripes.
I see it multiple times a day. It was my grandmothers flag, from
her burial at Arlington National Cemetery. I can still remember my
strong curiosity to finding out who would receive it. I still
remember when my Uncle gave it to me, my father snapping an amazing
picture of this scene. I remember how I held onto it, almost with an
irrational compulsion to not put it down.
Every day that I see it I understand that irrational compulsion
more. At the time I was too stricken with grief and sorrow, but as
that day becomes more distant the symbolism becomes clear. It is my
constant reminder to push and better myself, a constant reminder of
my mistakes and my short comings.
My grandmother never wanted me to become a musician, she wanted me to
be a dentist or a doctor. I am still on the fence to whether or not
she would accept my vocation as a writer. Part of me hopes she would
hold a romantic view of me as "Renaissance Man" and accept
my passion with open arms, however lingering doubt about her stance
towards the arts leaves me hanging to this day.
The interesting thing about our relationship though is that my
grandmother and I had the most meaningful conversation of my life by
not having one. I vaguely remember my childhood visits to her house.
I remember the cookies she would sneak from her retirement homes'
snack hall. The dinner party she held for her anniversary. And the
breakfasts that would never end. She taught me how to play poker, but
to that day we never really talked. Or not that I can remember at
least. We loved each other and knew each other, but were never alone.
Except for once, when she called our house on the wrong day to wish
her daughter (my mother) a happy birthday. During that call, my
grandmother wanted to talk to me- about everything. From the weather
to my latest history test. From music and the arts, to cooking and
family. My grandmother wanted to talk to me about everything and I
did not give her the time. I was a teenager, and too caught up in my
own head, my own problems. I never thought that would be the last
conversation we had, but it was and in the end it has shaped me in a
way I can barely explain.
Looking up at the flag as I write this I am reminded of how short
life is and how we can not take a single breath or conversation for
granted. Normally a message lost on post cards and said too often it
is something that unfortunately has to be lived to be understood.
That final conversation still haunts my dreams, my writing, my goals,
and my life as I strive to create something to make her proud... to
make amends.
The flag above my mantle is an everlasting reminder of not only what
was, but what is. It IS my constant reminder of reality and life. She
was a great person and as I write this I would like to apologize to
any friends or person I have done wrong, because simply put you do
not deserve that. At the same time though I want to pass my message
along, my story, so maybe we all can learn from it and not make the
same mistake.
Death sucks and is always difficult. It seems no matter how hard we
try there are always stones left un-turned as we think of the
conversations we should have had. I know that few of us can pinpoint
a good last conversation we had with a loved one. But take it from
me, I have found no worse feeling than letting your last conversation
be one that you tried to end prematurely because you were too busy to
realize that life is short and everyone deserves respect.
So to my Grandmother I am sorry, my family, my friends colleagues
and anyone else I apologize for anything I have done wrong or will
do. Life is too short too be enemies and as technology draws us
farther in we loose track of the fact that we live together on this
Earth during a finite life time. We all have our boundaries and our
limits, but I challenge all of us to not let those create regrets
that we can never change.
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